Review: Pandorica

If a film opens to a crawl that reads, “A long time ago…” what is one inevitably going to think? That’s right. Star Wars. Except, Pandorica, which opens to exactly that crawl, does not transport you to a galaxy far, far away. Instead, we go to a paintball park in England, where the film was shot and does little to persuade otherwise. To recall Star Wars in such a manner, you may think, like this critic as he sat down to watch: “ah, this is a sci-fi parody!” But Pandorica is no joke. It’s not much fun at all in fact.

Set in a post-apocalyptic future (so not that long time ago), where technology has become a thing of the past, the story concerns a group of three “Varosha” tribe members, each engaging in dangerous trials in order to become the new leader. During these apparently oh-so-difficult trials, which actually seem like a basic exercise in orienteering at scout level, a scantily-clad woman enters the plot with a valuable MacGuffin box. Pursued by the “Guardians of the Box” (no, really, they’re called this) – a trio of mask-wearing, Rasta-haired killers – the Varosha tribe becomes entangled in a sticky situation and must protect the powerful box from the menacing threat.

The cheap-as-chips budget on this unassuming film isn’t necessarily something to lambast director-writer Tom Paton for (securing financing isn’t easy), but writing a decent script only requires a laptop or pen and paper. Instead, the end result feels rushed; and when rushed, people naturally turn to convention and trite. As such, this is, at best, a sub-par episode of MTV’s fantasy-series, The Shannara Chronicles. The acting performances remain adequate, but Bentley Kalu as a maniacal Guardian called “Nine” injects some life into the film through his energy alone. At the risk of sounding flippant, I must thank him for keeping me awake.

Pandorica is certainly nothing to be antagonist towards or get mad about because its so under-the-radar and beyond harm. But I didn’t pay to see it. So, some consumer advice: it’s not worth your cash, and certainly not your time.

Release: 1st April