Transcendence: The Abridged Script

Nobody has time to see a two hour film these days; add up the time spent travelling, waiting in annoying queues and sitting through thirty dastardly minutes of adverts and trailers and that’s your whole Sunday! That’s why every week I’ll bring you a condensed version of a recent cinema or DVD release. It’s like the Cliff Notes of cinemagoing!

This week I abbreviate: Transcendence. Brace yourself for juvenile language and spoilers galore!

EXT - DESOLATE CALIFORNIAN STREETS

PAUL BETTANY walks through a CALIFORNIA which is unkempt and full of HOBO-LOOKING 
PEOPLE.

PAUL BETTANY (voiceover)

This film’s trailers didn’t ruin enough, so I am here now, 
in flashfoward,to tell you literally the only plot point 
that that you don’t already know: Johnny Depp went crazy 
and we’ve turned off the world’s internet.

AUDIENCE

Mother fuc….

FLASHBACK TO:

INT - CONFERENCE HALL

JOHNNY DEPP, REBECCA HALL and PAUL BETTANY are hanging out at a science and 
technology conference trying to get sponsors for their AI program development. 
KATE MARA points fingerguns at JOHNNY DEPP and one of her lackeys shoots him.

JOHNNY DEPP

But.. I never.. got to make.. Pirates five...

MORTAL KOMBAT VOICEOVER DUDE

FINISH HIM!

REBECCA HALL

It’s okay, John-john, they only shot you with radioactive 
bullets. We can still upload you to the AI machine before 
you die furreal.

PAUL BETTANY

But weren’t we only just at a conference trying to get funding 
so we can actually make the software?

REBECCA HALL

Fuck plot logistics, Jarvis!

REBECCA HALL steals two “QUANTUM PROCESSORS” (of the FIVE HUNDRED required to 
run their currently operational AI system) whilst JOHNNY DEPP dies.

MORGAN FREEMAN (voiceover)

John-john was a cool guy. He was always sad that I beat 
him at Tetris and now he is dead. But all will be okay 
because I am speaking in my warm, moist doughnut voice 
and making you weak in the knees.

INT. GROTTY LOVESHACK

REBECCA HALL has connected JOHNNY DEPP up to the AI software and we’re all 
waiting without bated breath to see if it works.

PAUL BETTANY

I don’t think we should be doing this.

REBECCA HALL

Now aren’t you the one fucking with character logistics? 
When we were at the conference you were helping us get 
funding for exactly this!

8-BIT JOHNNY DEPP

Guys, stop arguing, look I’m on the interwebs! And I just 
beat Morgan Freeman’s Tetris score.

PAUL BETTANY

But Johnny Depp is shit at Tetris! Rebecca Hall, we have
to shut this down, this isn't John-john!

REBECCA HALL

Never! A Johnny Depp tamogotchi is better than no Johnny 
Depp!

PAUL BETTANY runs away and is captured by KATE MARA and her gang of people who 
despise computers but are clearly very adept at using them for their own gain.

KATE MARA

We need to shut down Rebecca Hall’s computer right now!

PAUL BETTANY (contemplative)

Actually, maybe we should wait a few years.

KATE MARA

That makes literally no sense at all.

PAUL BETTANY

I know, but bear with me…. we should see how this pans out.

KATE MARA

Errrr…………

THREE YEARS PASS BECAUSE FUCK YOU. REBECCA HALL and JOHNNY DEPP have built a 
science centre out of nothing in the middle of nowhere and no government agency 
or other anti-science nuts have done anything about the fact that they have mind
controlling nanotechnology.

8-BIT JOHNNY DEPP

What a perfect world we live in.

REBECCA HALL

I don’t know, I’m pretty lonely.

8-BIT JOHNNY DEPP

But you have my voice? And my simulated face!

REBECCA HALL

I have…. physical needs.

8-BIT JOHNNY DEPP goes off screen to create a NANOBOT JOHNNY DEPP. Of course, you 
already know this because you’ve seen any one of the twelve trailers for the film.

EXT. DESERT OUTSIDE SCIENCE CENTRE

KATE MARA, PAUL BETTANY, MORGAN FREEMAN and CILLIAN MURPHY sit in a car waiting for 
the opportune moment to explode JOHNNY DEPP.

PAUL BETTANY

It’s too late now, isn’t it?

KATE MARA, 
MORGAN FREEMAN and 
CILLIAN MURPHY (in unison)

Yep. You dick.

PAUL BETTANY

Oh, bugger.

THE TEAM decide to attack the SCIENCE CENTRE anyway but the NANOBOTS just keep 
remaking the darn thing.

INT. SCIENCE CENTRE

NANOBOT JOHNNY DEPP

Look, babe, I’m back!

REBECCA HALL

This is too weird! Tamogotchis can't have a physical form!

NANOBOT JOHNNY DEPP

But you said you had needs - look what I can do with my…

EXT. DESERT OUTSIDE SCIENCE CENTRE

KATE MARA points a gun at PAUL BETTANY and calls for NANOBOT JOHNNY DEPP on the 
security feed.

KATE MARA

If your consciousness is really human then you’ll kill 
yourself instead of letting me kill this albino!

PAUL BETTANY

This is for me making us wait three years for no reason 
at all isn’t it?

KATE MARA

That’s-a-bingo!

INT - SCIENCE CENTRE

REBECCA HALL

Do it, Nanobot John-john! Kill yourself! For me! For love!

NANOBOT JOHNNY DEPP

Ah, what the heck.

NANOBOT JOHNNY DEPP commits suicide and the internet and electricity turns off 
ACROSS THE GLOBE. Because there was no threat other than KATE MARA AND GANG 
blowing up JOHNNY DEPP’S HOUSE the film just sorta... ends.

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN

Lot harder than it looks ain’t it?

WALLY PFISTER sobs.

MICHAEL BAY

Yeah, bitches! Moan all you like but at least my drivel 
is entertaining!

FREEZE FRAME on MICHAEL BAY punching the air in happiness.

@sjbowron

Transcendence is in UK cinemas now.