LFF Watches: Orange Is The New Black (Live Watch)

Guys, visitation day is finally here! Well, it was yesterday and I’m running a little late but I didn’t think fobbing off work to spend time with my favourite inmates would fly too well with my boss. So, here we are, now, to marathon season two of the acclaimed series Orange Is The New Black. Oh, Netflix Originals, how I love thee and thy unleash-an-entire-season-of-intense-one-hour-programming-all-at-once method.

I’m going to be posting inane observations and commentary on the season as it plays. Why? Because otherwise I’d just be drivelling on Twitter and writing that same dreck here makes me feel more productive whilst I spend 13 straight hours in front of the television in the nude my Sunday best.

Once I hit play – aside from bathroom and food-grab breaks – I’m not going to stop. I did the same for season one and it left me a ball of anxiety and emotions by the end. I’m armed with my toothbrush shiv and moustache comb to stroke Pornstache’s face with, so let’s move along. Join the conversation on Twitter with #LFFWatches

Spoilers are probably imminent, you wuss.

11:02 – PLAY!

11:03 – Regina! How we’ve missed your Russian vocals belting out alongside close-ups of high contrast eyes and mouths!

11:05 – Piper’s gained some sick painter skills since we last saw her. Who knew eggs could be so… artful.

11:07 – Piper’s going on a Mystery Bus holiday. That’s exciting – BUT WHERE IS DOGGETT, GUYS?

11:12 – The Mystery Bus Tour is going to the airport. Wait, Piper’s being taken to a plane and she’s having flashbacks. Jenji! Give us some LOST!

11:15 – “I’ve got a tight lingual frenulum.” That’s what they all say *sadface*

11:19 – Piper’s made a new friend in Ellen Degeneres. If this plane turns into Con Air I hope she’ll be the Dave Chappelle.

11:22 – We’ve picked up some male criminals. MALE CRIMINALS? IN OITNB? My favourite is ‘Spongie’.

11:24 – So they are headed to Chicago. Our old friends aren’t in Chicago! I want my old… ohhhh, nude cavity searches.

11:29 – June 7th is Piper’s birthday. That’s today! Thank you not-Laura Prepon.

11:33 – 31 minutes in and we’ve already had no fewer than seven pee and poo jokes. OITNB, you babe.

11:35 – Piper’s evil, psychotic streak began when we was a wee age and stole into the theater to see Dazed and Confused. Bad. Ass. Flashbacks are such an integral part to understanding timid blondes in prison.

11:38 – LAURA PREPON! YEAA-oh, now back to not-Laura Prepon and her Mystic Meg’ing. You tease, Netflix.

11:45 – I’ve missed you too, Laura Prepon. What? Piper’s only in this alt-correctional facility for a stop-over trial. Smashing! Also, Doggett’s still alive? Ah, boo.

11:51 – “I wanna be your prison wife.” That is the most touching thing I’ve heard since anything Crazy Eyes has ever said.

11:58 – Y U KEEP DOING DIS PREPON!? WHAT DID YOU DO?!

11:59 – Episode two!

12:00 – We’re at a ‘Black Adoption Festival’. Is that a thing? Always good to see people refer to flavours as ‘blue’ and ‘red’, too. I swear, the other day I had some tagliatelle that tasted like yellow-y green. Delicious.

12:02 – Guys, it’s a Taystee episode! Look, the gang is back and they are dressing up like they are realtors and church-goers!

12:10 – Perhaps the semi-boring season set-up in the premiere was a necessary evil – Episode two is where it’s at. “I just wanna swim with dolphins.”

12:13 – Captain Janeway!

12:14 – Big Boo, don’t let the dog lick the sauce from there. *eyes own dog and jar of jam*

12:16 – Captain Janeway looks as sad eating alone as I do most evenings at the….. Ohshitlookit’satoothlessDoggett!

12:18 – Doggett looks like she’s come straight from the set of The Walking Dead. Poor gal – she was just trying to destroy the blonde-haired demon.

12:19 – The only thing I’m “100% fucking clear about” is that you’re a dick, Mr Healy.

12:26 – “A shvitz is a shvitz.” That’s the same thing I tell my friends whenever we go to the gay bath-house too! Don’t look so uncomfortable, Jason Biggs – people might think you don’t enjoy steamy man-on-man.

12:31 – Diaz, you can’t hide yoghurts in your bra, don’t you realize that only Lady Gaga can get away with boobs that weirdly shaped?!

12:37 – I wonder how long the super-cut would be if someone spliced together all the scenes in Jason Biggs’s filmography where he glances awkwardly at breasts…

12:41 – In an episode about career choices and job fairs it makes me sad that there aren’t more PR folks like Taystee. I’d get high on “Horsey Horse.”

12:51 – I had a job interview last week. Something tells me if I’d have been as coy as the OITNB gals in their fake interviews I wouldn’t have gotten the job. Remember folks, only stroke yourself in a job interview! Taystee out!

12:52 – Episode three! Captain Janeway’s naked in the shower. There is no better way to open an episode of television.

12:55 – Piper’s back with the original group! A Scientology joke! Crazy Eyes has a bad history with Jenga!

12:58 – “You don’t look… full Asia.” Yup, that’s the correct term. Lorna, you thick-lipsticked princess, you.

13:05 – Guys, Crazy Eyes’s speciality is ‘Buffering’. Schyeah, BUFFERING MY HEART!

13:09 – Crazy Eyes is batshit because she grew up surrounded by Stepford Wives. That kind of thing would make everyone stab a few people.

13:12 – Nobody upsets my Lorna Morello! Fuck you, you fucking “cooze”!

13:12 – *googles “cooze”*

13:12 – Ohhhhh.

13:15 – I can’t believe it’s taken nearly two and a half hours to get to our first “pillowy tits” laden scene with everyone’s favourite Snatch-Sister, Nicky.

13:23 – Oh, Piper, I hope you’re there to walk me through having to stare someone in the eyes whilst I’m pooping.

13:26 – There’s a real disconnect with these Jason Biggs ‘pitiful loner man’ scenes. But anything to watch the man squirm, right?

13:28 – Don’t be so ungrateful, Diaz, a bag of spinach is a lovely gift. I gave one to my girlfriend every day and we’re still going str… ohhhh yeah… No, Bennett, spinach is not a green bag of love.

13:32 – Who needs Game of Thrones when OITNB gives us all the nasty sex scenes we could ever desire.

13:38 – I’m really saddened at how little action my moustache comb is getting.

13:40 – Guys, there’s nothing funny about stage-fright and channelling your mommy love through Dandelion. First tear of the season shed.

13:47 – Muchos mommy and childhood issues are being handled so far this season. To my emotions I say

13:50 – Episode four! This one’s called “A Whole Other Hole” *childish giggle*

13:50 – And it appears to be a Lorna Morello episode! Thaat’s fackin’ greaat! Adorable overload imminent.

13:57 – Vee and Crazy Eyes are taking over the facility. Captain Janeway, set phasers to “take this bitch out.”

14:01 – “It all comes outta the same hole – the vagina hole!” “There’s too many flappy-flap things!” I envy the children who get to watch this educational segment in their biology class. Admittedly, that school is probably pretty grim for all other subjects, but y’know..

14:08 – I wish there was a television show where Kate Mulgrew and Taylor Schilling became room-mates and they hated each other more than Joe Caputo hates being masturbation-blocked by visitors. Oh wait, THIS IS THAT SHOW.

14:10 – Lorna’s singing emotional ballads with tears in her eyes. GUYS, I CAN’T TAKE IT ANY MORE, SHE’S TOO NICE.

14:10 – Also, Christopher’s real. This is the bastard who breaks her heart! If this Live Watch stops it’s because I’ve thrown a chair at my television when Christopher’s a dick.

14:15 – This whole Golden Girls thing that Red’s been forced into is smashing! Grandma’s calling each other a cunt is definitely better than being outside in the sun.

14:20 – I want me some “comfy old lady chemo clothes” but Amazon doesn’t seem to like that request. I’m sure Etsy will have something soon.

14:25 – “People are fickle fucks.” True dat, Cap’n Janeway. SOW YOUR SEEDS. YOU WILL RISE AGAIN.

14:29 – Hampus is not a name, Jason Biggs – you call your kid that and I’ll kick you in the balls. You crack me up.

14:32 – Hey, Christopher, don’t you hurt my Lorn…. whah? She was stalking you? And she put a bomb under your real girlfriend’s car? *reluctantly puts chair down* You win this time, Christopher.

14:37 – All this talk of…. multiple holes…. it’s a good thing the guys with hypospadias can relate.

14:40 – ‘Pimp My Soso’, coming to Netflix in Fall 2014.

14:42 – Independence and segregation and sadness and vaginal anatomy. Episode 4 has been an experience. 

14:48 – TEA AND PEE BREAK.

Some thoughts I had during intermission:

1) I really miss Pornstache.

2) The minute screen-time for Daya and Bennett will probably be made up for when Prisonbaby arrives. Excited.

3) Shreddies are really delicious.

4) Prison paranoia has made me close the ground-floor toilet window for fear of being watched while I pee.

15:01 – Episode five!

15:01 – Sure, the episode that opens with shitty water erupting from the plumbing as everyone showers is the one that comes on whilst I’m eating sloppy, brown cereal.

15:06 – I’ve only just noticed that Netflix now skips the show’s title sequence. I totally dig Regina’s “You’ve Got Time” but I appreciate getting to Diaz being a sly bitch more quickly.

15:12 – “Shit licker!” Red’s Golden Girls are the best. Fuck you, Healy.

15:14 – Hah! Cal and Neri! If anyone deserves a spin-off show it’s those two hippies fighting the 21st century world, one potted flower at a time.

15:22 – Ack! I almost cared for Healy. You trickster, Jenji. It simply can’t be easy willingly marrying and staying married to a foreign lady that you don’t even love. Poor guy.

15:31 – I’m not sure why Taystee, Vee, Crazy Eyes et al have a problem with salty foods – South Park‘s Chef’s chocolate salty balls were a hit back in the 90s! Still, racism is never the answer, friends.

15:34 – HAHAHAHAHA! “Side Boob.” Kudos on the stellar band name, Caputo.

15:40 – Holy cow, Vee can lie. Dat lady is like Sawyer-level con-lady. Español vs. Africanamericana!

15:45 – What? Bagnuts are a thing? I still haven’t gotten around to getting a Cronut yet! Gah! Damn you again, Jason Biggs!

15:48 – Go, Captain Janeway, stir that Bathroom Turf War! Ruski power! Ruski power!

15:51 – Tyem fer eypisyod syix. Russian accents in text are not my strong suit apparently.

15:53 – Talking heads on love. “Pain,” “Deep dick fucking,” “Spinach bags,” “Smiling ’til your cheeks hurt.” See, kids, OITNB is deeper than just vagina jokes. WELCOME ALL TO THE ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACKVALENTINE’S DAY SPECIAL!

15:53 – And not a moment after the ‘update’ button is pressed after typing the above are we treated to Fischer ramming a whole dick-shaped cookie into her mouth.

16:03 – I might be coming around to Jason Biggs’s Larry. Piper and Larry are both cocks.

16:07 – RED’S GONNA BE ART VANDELAY, GUYS.

16:12 – “Mmmm, das ist gut.” *scissor scissor* Y’know, German really might be the language of love.

16:16 – Huzzah! Daya and Bennett playing house! Their drama is always irritating and dull, but I’m a sucker for pegleg/prisonbaby love.

16:20 – This talking head thing is completely out of character for OITNB, but gosh darn is it pleasant. I’d really like to hear Pornstache’s opinion on love though *nudge nudge*

16:27 – Don’t throw your Valentine’s Day card away, Piper! Alex is a backstabbing poop but she took the time to draw a little heart on the envelope.

16:29 – Separating dancing ladies with “leave room for Jesus”? Jesus has no sexual power in a correctional facility full of lesbians, Healy!

16:34 – I love Poussey.

16:34 – PORNSTACHE! A VALENTINE’S DAY CARD FROM PORNSTACHE. Yessssssssss.

16:38 – Lorna eats macaroni cheese by the serving spoon-full. Goodness gracious, she is  the perfect lady – y’know, minus the criminal activity.

16:41 – It wouldn’t be Valentine’s Day without a set from Side Boob. Huzzah!

16:45 – I am disappointed by the lack of pizza in this episode titled “You Also Have A Pizza.”

1649 – So much happiness, accompanied by such a heavy weight of inevitable sadness.

16:51 – Episode seven is called “Comic Sans” – is this the episode made to be universally shat on?

16:53 – Vee’s illegal operation entrepreneurship and Caputo’s crackdown on the incompetent guards would suggest otherwise.

16:57 – Black Cindy was TSA! No wonder people love to hate her.

17:02 – “You ever been kissed by a six-foot transgender woman?” No, but I’ve been stroked by a four-foot trans-species dolphin.

17:09 – Tampon cigarettes are quite tempting. Vee et al might be onto something – I guess it’s better than ass-smuggling.

17:16 – God dammit it, Polly. Don’t bonk Jason Biggs.. Punch him.

17:21 – Piper’s Correctional Facility Newsletter is all good and well, but I for one would not read it unless Crazy Eyes got an Agony Aunt column.

17:24 – Wanda and O’Neill’s ne’er seen relationship is also worthy of a spin-off. WANDA&PANDA COs OF LITCHFIELD.

17:32 – Black Cindy’s not a loser, Vee. She’s just a, er, well, yeah she’s a loser. Cin, go stand over there with Jason Biggs.

17:35 – More boob yoghurt! You can’t Art Vandelay the real Art Vandelay, Diaz. Captain Janeway rules all.

17:40 – I love a good chess game analogy but one day a television show is going to use Hungry Hungry Hippos for a representation of power struggles. That will be a good day.

17:40 – Good lord, we’re over halfway through the season.

17:43 – Episode eight and we’re treated to a smokin’ hot Miss Rosa on her first robbery!

17:49 – The Golden Girls are back! This time, warning us of the strange things that grow in old people folds. Good lord, please don’t let me get older than 30.

17:54 – Healy, you’re not this nice. What’s your game, letting Piper out of Prison to say goodbye to her dying grandma? *suspicious eyes*

17:57 – As big a prick Figueroa is, she’s pretty spot on about how shit the guards at Litchfield are. Fischer, you may be a nice lady DJ Qualls lookalike, but earn that green!

18:02 – Miss Rosa’s flashback black widowing is quite transparent story-telling but I guess the contrast of her bald, old self with this kinetic, scheming youngster is pretty neat.

18:07 – I wonder if the prison commissary sells Magic Saucers.

18:11 – Caputo’s power-control frenzying is opening my eyes to how my work colleagues and I should be better to our boss. Bosses are people too, guys!

18:16 – Wanda and Panda’s Complaint Hou….. CAPUTO, YOU CAN’T FIRE FISCHER! YOU MOUSTACHIOED FOOL.

18:19 – Nicky’s sexlocation of choice is the church. An emotionally compromised Fischer has entered the church. COULD. IT. BE. ?!

18:20 – Awwwhhhh, a pervert could dream.

18:24 – Huh, Miss Rosa’s curse might have been just that, a good ol’ Español Curso. PLOT TWIST.

18:25 – Don’t do it Piper – don’t play the white card! You are the 1%, and not in a good way! Everyone will hate you!

18:25 – Ohhhh, Healy, you scumbag.

18:26 – More plot twists! But Healy’s the bad guy. Jenji, stop messing with my world!

18:32 – I’ve never felt so guilty about looking at a naked lady. Poor Soso.

18:32 – Oh, Piper. Such a sad momentOHYES,GUYS!PORNSTACHEISBACK!

18:42 – “Shake out that pink.” Go forth, Piper! It’s furlough time. Meanwhile…. Pornstache. “I don’t like your face – that’s insolence!” I’ve never seen a man so gracefully destroy a lady’s day by exploding her bag of crisps. WHAT A GUY.

18:45 – To highlight just how great a tool Pornstache is we’ve got Healy in counselling. Jenji, you can’t make me like this man!

18:51 – I wouldn’t have pegged Vee for a The Fault In Our Stars type. Perhaps she’s scoping out Miss Rosa.

18:51 – Ah, “that’s a bingo“. But you can’t work Captain Janeway’s people that easily. You will fall soon enough, Scary Regina George.

18:54 – Nice – an origin episode on how Red became so badass. Pornstache, Piper out of prison for 48 hours, Vee’s magic slowly becoming ineffective and a “Janeway Begins” plot: this episode feels big.

18:59 – KICK HIM IN THE BALLS, PIPER. Biggs has it coming!

19:02 – Soso, I love you and I hate racism, but Pornstache wins hands down. He’s like an 18-CertificateMe, Myself & Irene Hank.

19:09 – My moustache comb is so happy right now. Personally, I could do with less of Jason Biggs’s flaccid dick.

19:11 – Mulan, Lilo and Pocahontas – I wonder how many more Disney characters Soso can be likened to; the inmates are fast running out of non-white ladies.

19:13 – Holy crap, Captain Janeway’s Golden Girls are more intimidating than Heisenberg’s Nazis.

19:20 – Cal & Neri piggyback on Cal’s grandma’s funeral to get married! See, this is the kind of malarkey these guys would get up to on their spin-off show. Get those cogs working, Jenji!

19:23 – Healy and Doggett: sexual tension? I hope I’m mistaking this because that love scene would make me have to soap my eyes.

19:30 – Captain Janeway’s crew are back. Criminals, unite! *rubs hands together in greedy excitement*

19:33 – I like it when Bennett has a Pornstache-envy breakdown. He should have one of those more often.

19:41 – Shit has hit the fan.

19:42 – Well, episode ten really knows how to open with a visual treat. *pause*

19:42 – TEA AND PEE BREAK.

19:58 – My pizza ordered. Piper’s Squat & Cough ordered. Wanda and I would be good pals.

19:59 – If Piper and Jason Biggs are “officially over” – Piper’s words – does this mean we don’t have to put up with his flaccid dick from here on out?

20:04 – Crazy eyes, you should be ashamed of yourself! Be happy now, Vee Club. Your downfall will come! It is nice to see Taystee dance again though.

20:09 – “Rules aren’t any fun” cliché.

20:10 – In retrospect it was was an excellent move keeping Alex out of the show for most of the season; this Piper/Alex stuff is delightful. That still doesn’t change that the insane effort in the premiere was – other than explaining Alex’s disappearance – so far utterly pointless.

20:17 – Pornstache The Baby Daddy is totes adorbs. He’d be an amazing dad. Quite clearly he should never have a child but thankfully this is a fiction show.

20:21 – Poussey is easily the most under-appreciated character on this show. Even I haven’t mentioned her that much here but Samira Wiley is phenomenal this season. KICK VEE IN THE PUSSY, POUSSEY!

20:25 – Additionally, I’ve been so focused on the stellar character drama that I keep overlooking this financial investigation play that’s probably gonna come and kick Litchfield in the ass before the season’s end..

20:26 – Speaking of character drama, Christopher is visiting Lorna and he’s being mean. You leave her alone, you monster! It’s not Lorna’s fault she’s a total whackjob. You should appreciate her unequivocal desire for you and your stupid jumpers!

20:37 – I’m starting to see the Soap qualities of OITNB. The Piper/Larry/Polly drama is probably the most awkwardly handled stuff on the show.

20:42 – Pizza arrives. First housemate interaction of the day: “You wanna join me in the lounge?” “What are you watching?” “Orange is the new black.” “I’ve not heard of that one.” “Get out of this house.”

20:45 – Nobody fucks with Captain Janeway’s Nicky. It’s Red v. Vee time! Yesss!

20:52 – And as Janeway rallies, Vee’s alliances prove their commitment to the Queen Bee. Ho-ly shit, Crazy Eyes.

20:55 – Daya and Bennett, you monsters! That moustachioed shithead only just came back and now you take him away from me!

21:03 – Episode 11 underway. Figueroa, “rape” should not be in the title of your concert to raise awareness of your efforts against Correctional Facility assualt. You are a terrible human being.

21:06 – Healy’s “Safe Place” really does seem sincere. Maybe he’s a changed man. Maybe. I don’t want to like him – he’s consistently made me sad when I least expect it.

21:11 – Oh no, Checkhov’s Riot Gear has been delivered..

21:20 – The Polly/Larry love story continues to disconnect from the rest of the show – but Jason Biggs got punched in the face so we can all be happy.

21:25 – It’s the season’s first “menstruation is making me be naughty” squirm!

21:29 – “Safe Place” is happening and Chekhov’s Talking Stick has been introduced!

21:32 – “Safe Place” seems to be adding drama and character twistery on Healy, Doggett, Poussey and Crazy Eyes – I can’t see what Soso’s hunger strike is doing, dramatically – as in, what its endgame will be…

21:37 – Big Boo seems to have smuggled in Mike Myers for sexual intercourse. NOICE.

21:32 – Sister Ingalls had a book called “Nun Shall Pass”! THIS IS THE BEST! The strike’s more idealistic meaning is becoming clear.

21:45 – Taystee and Crazy Eyes just used the term “gay” as an adjective to describe something pointless/stupid/odd. Does this allow people to use the word without homosexual inclinations now?

21:50 – “Chapman, you’re going down South.” Exclamation point.

21:50 – What?!

21:51 – Oh my….

21:51 – Holy shh….

21:52 – OMFG!JWO NSN!N!N N!LN! !!

22:00 – Episode twelve opens with a huge rainstorm, AKA the visual device used to indicate that shit is going down.

22:01 – Tensions are rising exponentially. Piper and eleven other – as yet unnamed – inmates are being shipped away at the end of the week; Black Cindy one of Vee’s crew was mistaken for Vee and murdered, and Sister Ingalls are dead; Poussey has lost her best friend to a turf war; the Golden Girls are proving to be a force to be reckoned with against Vee’s solid army; Lorna Morello is still adorable; Caputo has some serious pressure on him from Fig and her corrupt twat-ism; Bennett and Maya are spatting like Jason Biggs and Polly inevitably will be; Pornstache and Fischer are gone; Healy’s wife still hates him and his sincerity in his work is allowing us to care how much all this fuckuppery is affecting him; and Captain Janeway is ready to fashion a gun out of something and take out the whole damn facility.

22:17 – The pounding rain isn’t enough so the power has gone out and shit is literally overflowing throughout Litchfield now, courtesy of the broken plumbing syste…. HEY, VEE, DON’T YOU THREATEN CAPTAIN JANEWAY’S SON.

22:21 – And now there’s floating, dead rats! Watch yourself, Boo!

22:25 – Orange Is The New Black: Guerilla Warfare – Also, Bucket Pooping

22:28 – I’m starting to think that Soso was introduced so that, when this tension finally snaps and the floating shit and rats explode (metaphorically) we have one thing to be happy about when she hits is [hopefully] caught in the violent crossfire.

22:33 – Guys, Vee’s an incest lady. She’s just gone up a notch on the OHFUCOHFUCKOHFUCK level. I’m not sure why Son-bonking makes her more dangerous but it does.

22:38 – Baby Pornstache is coming! I hope Maya enjoys her pseudo-waterbirth.

22:41 – False alarm. It’s just time for round 39 of the Bennet/Maya Guilt-trip Show.

22:49 – You know that thing where Captain Janeway and Vee have physical struggle in the rain and it’s super fucking awesome? Yeah, that just happened.

22:55 – I think my favourite part of Season 2 is that you often completely forget that – in a good way – this is no longer the Piper Chapman show. Every character, no matter how minute, has become their own. Whilst that makes for a lot less focused storytelling, it does make the stakes whole thing more broad and….HOLY FUCKING SHIT, JANEWAY!?!!

22:59 – Episode thirteen. I have no words going into this one.

23:04 – Other than that Vee is a shitheadbitchcuntslappertoolfacebuttmunch.

23:07 – Oh, twist, Sister Ingalls isn’t dead.

23:10 – The finale is an hour and a half long and the penultimate episode was a slow-burn stick of dynamite. I expect this first half of the finale will be the clean-up of the majority of the season’s loose ties. Things like Figueroa sucking Caputo’s dick (literally).

23:11 – JENJI, YOU SLUT, YOU! Janeway’s not a goner, everyone – it’s okay! Phew! Though, Jenji, if you keep doing this my shock will be suspended next time you fake off someone…

23:18 – There’s a lot of melancholy and smug happiness brewing after last episode’s storm. Smiles and sunshine don’t last.

23:23 – In the spirit of my relief that Captain Janeway, Lorna and Nicky are not dead I even feel a little sorry for Mr Healy, that fucker.

23:27 – “Ching Chong China Doll”? I knew the inmates were running out of Disney names, but really? My feelings for Soso are too mixed. I can’t handle myself.

23:31 – The feels *sadface* Piper has rarely had a happy moment during her incarceration. Let’s hope that one day there’s a Dufresne-level happy ending for her.

23:46 – Lorna Morello excitedly describing Toy Story is my new favourite thing.

23:48 – Panda singing The Nun Song on his ukulele in the snow is a close second.

23:53 – Aaaaaaaaand there’s the Mr Healy we all want to hit in the groin with a steel pipe.

23:54 – Trevor McDonald tells it how it is. Poor Miss Rosa.

23:56 – Come on guys, leave Pipes alone – your troubles are arbitrary compared to Chapman’s. #BiggsandPollyForTheChop

23:59 – That Doggett/Mr Healy statuary rape in season 3 is still on the cards. Uhhhh… nice?

00:03 – Caputo, you so chill you and should have a carrot nose and charcoal buttons.

00:06 – There’s an awful lot of Vee smack-talk going on. It’s nice that everyone’s come around to the fact that she’s a psycho but I almost don’t want to see what happens when she resurfaces.

00:13 – Whew. It’s okay, just a lot of scary talking. “You break my heart.” And you make mine stop, and not in a good way, Vee.

00:15 – “This is the loneliest place I’ve ever been and I lived alone in a tree for eight months.” See, Soso, it’s things like that that make me want to both slap you and smack a kiss on your lips.

00:21 – Ooh, Pipes, you slip-slep-slapper. [Alex Vause Booty Call Engaged]

00:25 – Ruuuun, Vee. Break a leg! No, really.

00:28 – Lorna! *pumps air triumphan…….OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

00:30 – 289xp to Miss Rosa!

00:31 – Another season gone. There was a weird phut of a start and a kind of slow, prosaic, prologue-y finale that my feelings are pleased but sort of underwhelmed about. There was an insane, insane amount of build-up, and though there were some excellent pay-offs, there were also a lot of fake-outs. Of course, I don’t want to lose certain characters but a fake-out is kind of an off-putting cheat.

That said, the worrying rise and ungraceful fall of Vee was quite excellent. Symbolic of the repeated mommy issues throughout the season as a whole, Vee’s domineering Queenship was relatable either directly or via the dramatic ripple of her effective regime. The best thing about Orange is the New Blackisn’t the fine power plays, or the variedly sought validation or straight-up plot shocks and twists, it’s the characters themselves. Sure, those things are intrinsic to the drama that fuels the series but, ultimately, the show would also be nothing if it weren’t for the huge ensemble of assorted nutjobs, weirdos, mommas, bitches, sisters, normals, and loose cannons. OITNB isn’t necessarily narratively intricate but it is character complex, with each of the show’s figures often having three-to-four sides to them, making them all stand out spectacularly. Even though many of the felons and guards are – admittedly – straight up cocks, they are all empathetic characters too, which is an insane feat. Truly, I take my non-existent hat off to you, Jenji Kohan.

I’m sure I’d be able to spout off a bit more hyperbole and mild criticism if I hadn’t just spent the last 15 hours in front of my laptop and television screens, but I also think this piece as a whole is a testament to how good a show OITNB is and how fervently some people care about these semi-fictional, and otherwise completely fictional, criminals. It’s still a shame how little Pornstache was present. He’ll be back though…..hopefully.

The thing that makes me most sad though, is that I need to wait another whole year just to spend another day in prison with my favourite convicts.