The Amazing Spider-Man 2: The Abridged Script

Nobody has time to see a two hour film these days; add up the time spent travelling, waiting in annoying queues and sitting through thirty dastardly minutes of adverts and trailers and that’s your whole Sunday! That’s why every week I’ll bring you a condensed version of a recent cinema or DVD release. It’s like the Cliff Notes of cinemagoing!

This week I abbreviate: The Amazing Spider-Man 2. Brace yourself for juvenile language and spoilers galore!

INT. AIRPLANE

Spider-Man’s mama and papa are flying away from Oscorp because that corporation is 
shady, fool, as was already established in the first Spidey film by Marc Webb- oh, 
hey, I just got that! Anyway, they die. It’s not that sad.

CUT TO:

do do-do DOOOOOO dun-dun-dun-dun-do-do-DOOOOO THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN TWO-TWO-TWO-
TWOOOOOOO do-do-do-do-do-do-doooooo

EXT. SOMEWHERE IN THE SKY ABOVE MANHATTAN

SPIDER-MAN

You know what I love most about being Spider-Man? This 
upbeat horn section that follows me around scoring my life!

SPIDER-MAN lands in the street and engages in fisticuffs with a RUSSIAN PAUL GIAMMATI 
and some plutonium.

RUSSIAN PAUL GIAMMATI

I EM GREAT EKTORRRR BET I WELL DO THES TERREBELL ACCENT 
BECAUSE I LOVE HEM.

SPIDER-MAN

Him?

RUSSIAN PAUL GIAMMATI

HEM!

SPIDER-MAN

Hemp?

RUSSIAN PAUL GIAMATTI

HEM! HEMMY ACTING!

SPIDER-MAN decides nobody ain’t got time for SINISTER SIX auditions so pantses RUSSIAN 
PAUL GIAMMATI before going off to feel conflicted about dating EMMA STONE, which gives 
everyone in the audience doubts about SPIDER-MAN’s purported sexual orientation.

SPIDER-MAN

I promised the SABRE TOOTH TIGER FROM ICE AGE that I 
wouldn’t date you.

EMMA STONE

I am a smart, independent and smokin’ young lady. If 
I want to put myself in jeopardy every now and then 
so I can have some spider-love then I will.

SPIDER-MAN

But you will inevitably probably die!

[looks into camera lens]

EMMA STONE

I break up with you, you controlling butt-face! And 
get a haircut!

SPIDER-MAN

Well, that’s a bummer.

The upbeat horn section follows SPIDER-MAN home as he cries and fingers the literally 
hundreds of pictures of EMMA STONE he has plastered around his bedroom - it’s kind of 
creepy, actually.

ELSEWHERE:

INT. BASEMENT IN OSCORP

BLACK JON OSTERMAN, an electrical engineer for Oscorp, is upset that he’s THE most 
bumbling loser ever. I mean, if he didn’t have imaginary conversations with SPIDER-MAN 
all day and hold his iPad, which has a huge message saying it’s his birthday, face out 
people might like him more, but y’know, each to his own.

BLACK JON OSTERMAN

One of these days I’m going to fall into a pool of 
genetically enhanced electric eels and then I’ll 
show everyone, right Spidey?

IMAGINARY SPIDER-MAN

[   ]

BLACK JON OSTERMAN

Yeah, we’ll tell them!

BLACK JON OSTERMAN just happens to fall into a pool of genetically enhanced electric 
eels and turns into DR MANHATTAN but because this is a 12A he keeps his pants on.

FLASHBACK TO:

More PAPA SPIDER-MAN stuff.

AUDIENCE

Really?! We get it! Just get to the Harry Osborne 
story!

CUT TO:

The Harry Osborne stuff. It’s actually really boring and cliche and unbearable to watch
because of terrible casting.

AUDIENCE

No, go back, go baaack!

CUT TO:

EXT. TIMES SQUARE

DR MANHATTAN is finally getting noticed and he’s happy. Only, because he’s gone crazy, 
he doesn’t realize everyone is only paying attention to him because he’s a weird blue 
dude who’s killing innocents in the middle of NEW YORK.

SPIDER-MAN

do do-do DOOOOOO dun-dun-dun-dun-do-do-DOOOOO! 
Spidey-man’s here!

DR MANHATTAN

Spider-man! You’re my hero!

SPIDER-MAN

Weird.. blue.. man! You’re my villain!

SPIDER-MAN defeats DR MANHATTAN and DR MANHATTAN decides that SPIDER-MAN is a meany, 
so vows to kill him.

INT. HARRY OSBORNE’S PAD

HARRY OSBORNE

Whilst nobody was paying any attention to me 
I was looking into the history of the Oscorp 
company and I found[……]

THE AUDIENCE stops paying attention because there’s something about DANE DEHAAN’S emo
fringe and smirk that just makes you want to punch him. Look, Oscorp’s bad. Harry’s 
bad. He becomes the Green Goblin, or Hobgoblin, whatever.

EXT. MAHNATTAN WATERFRONT

SPIDER-MAN has been stalking EMMA STONE and she’s spotted him.

EMMA STONE

Mmmm, stalking is hot. Wanna go out again?

SPIDER-MAN

Sure! But no stalking me, my life is dangerous 
remember!

EMMA STONE

I promise I will never follow you into a dangerous 
situation.

[looks into camera lens]

EXT. ELECTRIC PARK THING

DR MANHATTAN and GREEN GOBLIN are loitering, causing blackouts and harming innocents 
- general ruffian stuff.

CUT TO:

SPIDER-MAN

Stay here, Emma Stone!

EMMA STONE

Okay

[looks into camera lens]

CUT TO:

SPIDER-MAN kicks ass and explodes DR MANHATTAN with relative ease, which is impressive 
given that DR MANHATTAN can literally obliterate people with the flick of his pinky.

GREEN GOBLIN

Hey, bug-boy, look-y here!

GREEN GOBLIN has kidnapped EMMA STONE who followed SPIDER-MAN to this super dangerous 
place. EMMA STONE shrugs in a ‘whatcha-gonna-do’ way.

SPIDER-MAN

Gosh darnit.

GREEN GOBLIN flies to the top of a clock tower with EMMA STONE. SPIDER-MAN follows and 
engages in a battle. The pair get themselves into a fisticuffs stalemate, barely holding 
each other off until GREEN GOBLIN realizes he could just drop EMMA STONE down the clock
tower’s shaft.

SPIDER-MAN

You wouldn’t ---

GREEN GOBLIN drops EMMA STONE. In SUPER SLOW MOTION SPIDER-MAN leaps off GREEN GOBLIN 
to save her. The upbeat horn section has been replaced with a SUPER SAD strings section
so we know what’s happening.
EMMA STONE looks into the camera lens and mouths that she regrets nothing as SPIDER-MAN
tries to catch her with his web. Unfortunately, gravity and sudden yanking from a person's
mid-section doesn't do so well on spines and EMMA STONE'S back breaks. To top it off her
noggin also smashes on the floor. EMMA STONE IS DEAD AND IT'S REALLY, REALLY GRIM.

EMOTIONALLY CUT TO:

EXT. GRAVEYARD

SPIDER-MAN hangs out at EMMA STONE’S grave every day for five months, so at least his 
stalker ways haven’t changed, when --

RUSSIAN PAUL GIAMATTI… IN A RHINO SUIT

HELLO LETTLE SPAYDERR

SPIDER-MAN sighs and turns to RUSSIAN PAUL GIAMATTI… IN A RHINO SUIT and is about to do
this cool, Return To Superheroics battle when the screen cuts to black.

INT. MENTAL INSTITUTE

GREEN GOBLIN [looking at camera lens]

See ya in the Sinister Six movies!

AUDIENCE

….or not.

CREDITS ROLL

@sjbowron

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 is in UK cinemas now.